I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
