24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
