Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
