I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
