There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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