Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize