Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize