if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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