you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
