You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
