What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
