omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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