My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I fill condoms, not promises.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
