He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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