Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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