watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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