Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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