Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
