I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
