did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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