Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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