if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I am naked and annoyed.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize