Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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