That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize