My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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