You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
