I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
