Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
