this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
