You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My balls are so social today.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
3pm strippers are depressing
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
