Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Drunk is not a location!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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