my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Drunk is a universal language darling
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
