Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
