Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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