The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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