Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize