good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize