he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
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