Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
