i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
