I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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