I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
