When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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