A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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