This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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