i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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