i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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