New low: just hacked my moms facebook
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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