Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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