You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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