just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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