I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
