happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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