I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
They took my balls.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
