Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
