This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
