I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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