You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
