Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
