she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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